I'm Sorry

8:21 AM

I’m not sure what’s going on with me right now. But I have been soaking myself in a lot of negative emotions lately. Also, I don’t fear on missing out anymore. In fact, I love and enjoy my time with myself doing the things I like or doing absolutely nothing at all. And I hate myself for that.



It eases my depression at times but when I realize that the world doesn't stop and that I have to make up for the missing times, I just become more depressed. What makes it worse is that I have to come up with a lie so I won't have to say I'm depressed. I didn't sign up to be a compulsive liar but I'm starting to be one lately. Lying is just so much easier than saying "I'm depressed".

Insecurities

I’m aware that I’m trapped in a cycle; In a limbo that I can’t seem to get out off. And while I’ve been dealing with a lot of regret, insecurities are gobbling every part of me as well. I live in a bubble of inaction and thoughts. I’ve been dreaming a lot. I've been staring at the ceiling for God knows how long. I can't get myself out of bed and sometimes I wish I didn't have to wake up. But I need to. I have to try.

Call it Quarter Life Crisis!

I don’t even know if quarter life crisis is for real or someone just made it up for the heck of it. Don’t get me wrong. I have been trying to help myself ever since. I have tried countless times for the past six months and I've got nothing.

Yes. I realized this over a month ago as I checked through my payslips. It started around June when I turned one year in our company. One year. And I thought, hey it’s only been a year but that feels a lot and you have all these problems coming right at you and you’re only half as you imagined you to be. You’re probably not even half. You’re probably still nothing.

I was nothing when I started. A complete reboot after graduation. You think it’s a joke when older folks would say “Welcome to the real world.”? Well if you don't call your parents Mommy and Daddy it’s not a joke. Reality comes with bills and other responsibilities and they will all come right at you and rip your face off. My problems just piled up since then.

The Hardest Part

The hardest part is that I can't open up to anyone about this simply because that means drama. I don't like wasting other people's time for drama. I have been called many names but I don't want to be called such an 'actor'.

This is probably why I'm writing about it instead. It might help. I don't know.

So far only one has offered help and it felt good. Made me think "Hey, I still have friends". But that person has done a lot for me already and I don't want to be a bother to anyone. I feel like I should be able to understand myself first before I open up to anyone about this.

Until then, I'll keep to myself. I'm sorry.

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